You Poor Thing!
by Shadow Star.EXE
Summary: What's this? Another retarded thing from the mind of the idiot CeleBaby20? Evanescence in a crackfic? WTF. Zelda discovers Samus is using Pit, so what does she do? Opens his eyes! ZeldaxPit, anti SamusxPit. Rated for Language. SamusxPit fans DO NOT READ!


**I know what you're thinking. You're all thinking I'm a terrible, rude, slimy, awful and unforgivable naughty retard. I've been leaving people in hanging with **_**The Angel's Promise **_**and **_**The Hylian Queen **_**and here I go, writing a oneshot. **

**Does anyone know that writing one shots help overcome the dreaded Writer's Block? **

**Besides, I like this idea! (pouts, cries, becomes the next Larxene of Kingdom Hearts) Boo hoo! Too bad, I don't like Samus and Pit together as a couple! (puts hand to her forehead and mocks non-retards) And here I am, featuring them as a couple and Zellielicious is gonna steal Pitty boy! Why? BECAUSE I CAN. WATCH ME! MWEHEHEHE!!**

**YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, PITXSAMUS FANS!! OUT OF CHARACTER WARNINGS FOR BOTH ZELDA AND SAMUS. IF YOU LOVE THIS COUPLE SO MUCH THAT YOU CAN'T STAND TO SEE ZELLIEFISH STEAL PIT, USE THE BACK BUTTON! AND IF YOU DON'T, AND READ THIS ANYWAY, DON'T FLAME ME! **

**And if you do flame me, I'm fully prepared to start an arguement and make you look STUPID! (grins)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo, Zelda, Pit, Samus or any other character mentioned thereafter. All of them belong to either Nintendo, Intelligent Systems, Konami or Sega. And any other company I'm too lazy to mention. The song **_**Sweet Sacrifice **_**belongs to the goddessly Amy Lee and her band Evanescence. **

**NOW LET'S GET READING! (passes out, due to someone hitting her over the head)**

_**You Poor Thing!**_

_**A ZelliexPit-bull fic and ANTI Pit-trapxSammy**_

_**Written by: THE QUEEN OF RETARDS!!**_

Pit Icarus. Leader of Palutena's army, a strong angel, adorable in all aspects. How he ended up with the wrong type of girl was a complete and utter mystery.

Samus Aran. Bounty hunter of SR-388, tough girl, a tomboy, sexy in every way. When she traded her normal powersuit for her zero suit, those ways of sexyness became so apparent. Her enormous breasts, curves and shapely butt had been hiding for too long and earned her many wooing fanboys. She could have any guy...ANY guy...she ever wanted. And she knew it. She chose Pit, because she knew how easy it would be to take advantage of him.

A cute, innocent angel? Hell yeah, it would be easy!

What Samus didn't count on was a retarded princess interfering...

"I've seen better outfits in the Thrift Shop!" Zelda Harkinain said loudly. She was holding up her dress that she normally only wore at home. Today, she discarded the dress for the sake of ripped jeans and a shirt that said "I see dumb people reading my shirt." Her hair was loose and her Triforce shaped earrings were replaced by plain golden rings. She threw the dress on her bed and ran out, hoping for some sugar and cookies.

"What an idiot...why the hell is that girl a princess?" Samus muttered to herself.

"Samus?" a new voice popped into the halls. Pit flew over to Samus with a cup in his hand. "Here's the cup of coffee you wanted..."

"Thanks, lovely," Samus said in a sugar-wouldn't-melt-in-her-mouth voice. She took a sip of the coffee and suddenly spat it out on Pit's tunic. "What the hell, Pit! I said MILK, not cream!! Get it right if you want to stay with me!"

Pit grimaced. He had gotten it wrong again. Why did she always have to spit it on his tunic? The stain was always so hard to get out...

"I thought you wanted to stay with me, Pit..." Samus's eyes filled with mocking tears. "But you must not care about me very much if you don't even know I like milk and not cream in my coffee."

"I do care about you!" Pit protested. "I'm sorry, baby, I was just up late last night. I had to finish all your repairs on your powersuit..."

"That's no excuse," Samus sniffed. "You do all these things because you love me. Even give up your sleep for it."

Pit sighed. "I'll be right back..." With a heavy and defeated groan, he turned around and went to the kitchen. Samus grinned, not noticing the retarded princess spying on her.

"Hmmm..." Zelda thought to herself. She had always liked Pit as a best friend, but she always had wanted him to be more then a friend. The only thing standing in the way was Samus, but with the way Samus was treating the angel...

_"I have an idea!"_

Zelda snuck away to the kitchen and saw Pit brewing another cup of coffee. He hadn't even bothered with the stain on his tunic yet. The bold (or retarded) princess went to the sink and soaked a cloth in lukewarm water. When the cloth was completely damp, she marched over to the angel and started washing the stain out.

"Hey, wha-?!" Pit was surprised.

"Hold still!" Zelda instructed. "This stain isn't easy to wash out with you moving like this!"

"Why are you washing MY tunic?" Pit asked, suspiciously.

"Because I can," Zelda answered in a matter-of-factly voice. "And I saw Samus spit on you. I felt sorry for you. Why do you do everything for her like that? You're like a rug and she's the feet that wipes herself on you!"

"I...well...I love her and I would do anything for her..." Pit muttered.

"You poor, misguided angel..." Zelda said. "You may love her, but she treats you like trash. You really should open your eyes a little and see how much she doesn't appreciate you."

"She does appreciate me!" Pit said in a weak defense.

"How?" Zelda was curious.

"She...well...she lets me hug her and kiss her," Pit replied.

Zelda rolled her eyes. "That's not real appreciation. I have an idea," she suddenly stood up, finished with the stain, and threw the washcloth into the sink. "Follow me!" Zelda grabbed Pit's hand and went to find Samus.

She was in the living room, crying to Peach about how her powersuit had been badly damaged in the last brawl she was in. The Zero Laser always destroys it to pieces, and it hadn't finished getting fixed.

"You poor baby...and that powersuit is important to you, right? The Chozo's gift to you..." Peach was saying, patting Samus's head.

_It's true...we're all a little...insane...  
But it's so clear  
now that I'm...unchained!!_

Zelda never felt more free and devilish then now. She told Pit to stay there, hidden in the doorway, and popped into the living room. Peach wrinkled her nose in disgust, thinking that a princess of importance, such as Zelda, shouldn't be dressed so low classed.

"Hey Sammy, I thought that Pit finished repairing your suit, though?" Zelda asked. "I mean, the poor guy was up all night, fixing your suit!"

"Yeah, but you know what? He lost the arm cannon! How am I suppose to fight without the arm cannon? And to top it off, he put cream in my coffee this morning! I only drink milk! I'm afraid he doesn't care about me so much anymore..." Samus sighed in a hushed voice.

"You're honestly AFRAID of that?" Zelda asked sarcastically.

_Fear is only in our minds  
taking over all the time_

"Yeah...I mean, if I don't have Pit to help me with my stuff, I'll never be able to enjoy myself. It's just so hard!" Samus whined.

"Must be harder for him, someone who doesn't know a thing about powersuits and that stuff..." Zelda said, whistling.

_Fear is only in our minds,_  
_but its taking over all the time..._

"You don't understand, Zelda, I think I'm losing Pit!" Samus mocked, tears rolling down her face.

"Oh you poor thing!" Zelda spat. "Let's talk more about this, huh?!"

_You poor, sweet innocent thing  
dry your eyes...and testify...  
you know you live to break me - don't deny  
Sweet Sacrifice_

Pit was slowly understanding what Zelda meant when she said Samus didn't appreciate him. He always tried tried his hardest to keep her happy, but it was somehow never enough. Zelda seemed to be dealing with this well.

"Tell me, Sammyzus, have you ever once said 'thank you' to Pit? Or done something in return?" Zelda said, bending over with her hands on her knees and giving a sickening smile to Samus.

"Uh...no..."

Samus!" Peach gasped in shock.

"But do I have to?!"

Pit's eyes narrowed and he glared at the bounty huntress.

_One day...I'm gonna forget YOUR name...  
and one sweet day...you're gonna drown in my lost pain!!_

"La laa laa laaaaa laaaaaa..." Zelda sang, doing a twirl.

"What are you singing about?" Samus snapped.

"I'm just glad that the truth came out, Sammy!" Zelda smiled again. "And I can see why you are so TOTALLY afraid! Maybe Pit will leave you once I tell him about this!"

"And if she doesn't say anything, I will," Peach said.

"Don't worry, Peachie, I plan on telling him anyway. Or maybe he'll figure it out for himself?" Zelda asked, winking.

Pit smiled. But deep inside, he was afraid that Samus's temper was being tested. Samus plus anger equals at least three bones broken in various places.

_Fear is only in our minds  
taking over all the time  
fear is only in our minds  
and its taking over all the time..._

"Don't either of you dare. I swear to God, Zelda, if you tell him any of this discussion, I will personally break your neck," Samus threatened.

"Oh I'm SO scared!" Zelda said with more sarcasm. Samus was strong and fast, but Zelda had enough confidence and magic to escape her. Not to mention changing into Shiek changed her speed around completely.

"I'm not losing Pit. He's the only guy that will take care of me!" Samus protested. "All the other guys just want my boobs..."

"And all you want out of Pit is a slave!" Zelda snapped, cutting Samus off.

"When do I ever get anything for myself..." Samus whimpered. "You're both princesses, you get what you want. Why can't I have a servant as well?"

"Because that's not what a boyfriend does!" Zelda said, triumphantly.

_You poor sweet innocent thing  
dry your eyes and testify  
and oh you love to hate me don't you, honey?  
I'm your sacrifice_

"This is why I love being what I am. I'm someone you can hate! Yet I take PRIDE in it!" Zelda said with glee, and Pit fought himself to not burst into laughter.

"That explains why no one likes you," Samus said, a smile creeping onto her face.

"On the contrary, my dear, people do like me. Link, Ike, Luigi, Olimar and Wolf are my friends. AND Roy's my penpal. How cool is that?" Zelda said, laughing.

"Why are you only friends with guys, Zelda?" Peach asked.

"I find guys are better to talk to then girls. More fun, and I feel more like myself around them," Zelda declared. "I'm a tomboy, remember?"

"Right..." Peach said, rolling her eyes. "I'm going to get some muffins..." the mushroom princess got up and headed over to the door. Unbeknownist to her, Pit was still hiding behind it and he didn't have enough time to get away. As soon as Peach let the door fly open, it hit Pit and he couldn't help uttering a cry of pain.

"Ouch!"

"Huh?" Peach looked behind the door and spotted the angel. "Pit??"

Samus paled and Zelda smiled even wider. She knew he had heard every word of the discussion. Pit got up and made himself visible for the bounty huntress and the insane princess to see.

"Pit, I...I didn't mean any of that..." Samus said, nervously. Pit could only stare at her, his anger building up.

_I dream in darkness  
I sleep to die  
erase the silence  
erase my life..._

"My ass you didn't mean any of that," Pit spat. "You've been walking all over me since the day we got together. I thought it was just a way for me to show you how much I cared about you, but...Zelda opened my eyes."

_our burning ashes  
blacken the day  
a world of nothingness  
blow me away._

Samus turned to face Zelda, who was still smirking. Her fists balled up and she began to shake with rage. "I HATE YOU! YOU STUPID PRINCESS, HOW DARE YOU-!"

_"Do you wonder why you hate?" _Zelda asked. _"Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?"_

Samus darted forward, intending to land a punch on Zelda's jaw. Her fist was held back by a now infuriated angel.

"Don't you dare. She didn't do anything wrong. She's in the right on this, Samus," Pit said, growling.

Samus struggled, hating how an angel's strength was more powerful then a human's. Once she tired down, Zelda stood up and started to walk out.

"Hey, hold on a sec, princess!" Zelda turned around to see Pit smiling at her. "As a thanks for making me realize my mistake, can I take you to breakfast?"

"Sure!" Zelda replied happily. "Except...why not put it off until later and we'll go to lunch instead? You're tired," she noted, seeing the dark circles under Pit's beautiful blue eyes.

"Good idea. Thanks, Zelda," Pit said, planting a kiss on her cheek. Zelda giggled and Peach's eyes were dinner-plate wide.

Samus bit her lip unhappily. "Pit, why does this have to be such a...sacrifice?"

"Simple. I'm your sweet sacrifice," Pit replied, leaving the room. Zelda went with him, hooking her arm into his.

_You POOR, SWEET, INNOCENT thing  
dry your eyes...and testify...  
you know you live to break me- don't deny  
SWEET SACRIFICE!!_

_**&-&-&-&**_

**Who the hell hit me?**

**Zelda: Not me. (whistles)**

**Then why do you have a wooden plank with my hair on it?!**

**Zelda: Uh...I'm building a treehouse!**

**Pffth. While you do that, I'll explain stuff.**

**Zelda: Cool. (runs off to get a hammer)**

**How the hell did I manage to take an Evanescence song and turn it into a retarded songfic?! I amaze even myself. Oo**

**Yes, the lines in italics are song lyrics. That includes the question Zelda asked about hating and being weak.**

**Yes, I felt like bashing Samus a little. If you don't like it...well, in the words of Midnight Crystal Sage: **_**Get a lawyer and fucking sue me. **_

**I don't hate Samus...I just felt like going into retard mode.**

**For all the idiots that think that Zelda's a bitch for interfering, that's just TOO FUCKING BAD.**

**And if you think it's more impossible for them to jump into a relationship right away, I got some real life experience to share. I would honestly do that, if I had the chance. And I'm a girl who gets kissed by guys, even if they're not my boyfriend. **

**I like being friends with guys more then girls. But I still like being friends with girls if they're someone who shares the same interests as me. :3**

**Gee, this ties well with **_**Ignorance is Bliss. **_**Soon I'm going to have to come up with a songfic to bash Zelda. O.o;**

**NAH!! :P ZELLIE'S MY BISHIE! I LOVE HER! (hugs Zelda, gets hit by a hammer)**

**CeleBaby20**


End file.
